Intimacy

The Zen practice, and intimacy, one and the same.

What is it that I’ve become most intimate with, if not everything?

Since arriving at Buddha Eye temple, the realms that I have traveled have lead me back to the same thing.

Myself.

This place, this being, this non-separate, non-locatable, non-expressible, place. I’ve come back to Kosen in ways that’ve never felt possible, yet those same ways, have been the blueprint of what’s played out throughout my entire existence, since my beginning-less, beginning.

What is my biggest commitment?

To continue to meet life. To make love with all that I encounter, to find the stillness that lives midst the gesticulation known as chaos, known as discomfort, pain. I speak these words, and feel the aliveness that they bring to my very real chest, to this very real heart. I speak these words, and find their truth, know the sweetness that follows their touch from within. Yet as I speak these words, I know that within them lies, a lie.

Not always can I embrace the ways in which life pours itself into this form that is me. Pouring its totality in a way that often times can be received as too filling. That often times I attempt to control, to smoother, push away, make sense of, praise as right, or even neglect.

All of it is medicine. The “lies,” the direct experiences of all being known and unknown.

The known, and unknown, here is where one can feel truly safest. when I pour back into life, the pouring its offered me. That is a pure representation of its known unknowing-ness. I feel most open, and most invigorated, when I am able to fully express and address the ways in which my reality is playing out, knowing its delusions are endless, that I am endless, that what I speak means nothing, yet everything. That those before me are simply more to pour into, and to experience a pouring from.

Since being at Buddha Eye, i’ve come to see the ways in which life is truly undivided. That the way we project outwardly, is the same way we project inwardly. That the giving and receiving, the pouring and being poured into, the rising and falling, are constant, ever present, ever revolving, ever true.

Since being at BuddhaEye, i’ve come to make love to the parts of myself who sit in silence, out of fear, and who with that same fear speaks whole heartedly. That all of these versions of myself, that I know exist, and I know i’m convinced of, are pouring and poured, from the same place.

From the same truth.

Since being at Buddhe Eye, i’ve come to recognize. I’m not only commitment to making love to life. I am committed to hating it, and continuing to to question why, and amidst the loving and hating, I show up for both.

Fully.

That is the truest intimacy.